For The Longest Time

Hi.

I've been thinking of things to say to you since we haven't talked in a while. So far these have come to mind:

1) Thank you
2) I'm sorry
3) Time to let go

I don't mean to start this piece on such a sour note but i don't have much of a choice do I? I've been trying to fight the inevitable goodbye but as of late, it has backed me up into a corner...punching away, leaving me black and blue, hoping to leave me scarred after all of this. And I'm tired of fighting back. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?

"Please say something, I'm giving up on you." This has been my anthem for awhile now it's true though. I would have followed you anywhere.

I have a confession to make. This whole time that you've been away, I've been having ambivalent feelings. I knew I should be sad, or angry or disappointed because we were fighting and you've said things that are way below the belt again, maybe I felt those at first but days went by and I started feeling relieved. Having been hit by...wanderlust. I was relieved that we aren't in good terms. Thankful even that we aren't in good terms. Thankful even that I didn't have anything to worry about. For the longest time you have been entwined with my life so intricately that i no longer saw your life separate from mine. When you said that you want nothing to do with me, I was apalled...then i was relieved.

I deserve more. I know that now. I realized that i do deserve more and you aren't going to give that to me. You're too caught up with your own worries. You don't need me asking for attention. So I sought it from others instead. I sought more for and from myself. And my God, for the first time in forever, i felt free...like a huge weight has been lifted from shoulders. I even slept better. Don't get me wrong. I still missed you. Sometimes, I catch myself wondering how you are doing.

I want to feel sorry for feeling na "lumawak ang mundo ko nung nawala ka". but it's overweighed by the good feeling na hindi kita inaalala.

Now, when I look back...everything i have ever written about you...each one felt like it was part of a long farewell party...but i wasn't ready to say goodbye.

This time though...

it's time. I have learned these past weeks that i deserve more out of my life. I can't go further if i kept putting you first. It's time. Now I can accept that you can manage on your own; that you will be fine; that i gave more than enough of myself. I know that we can try and take back all the hurtful words, but it's not going to change the fact the I will still think that I did no wrong and that you think whatever it is that you think and that you will always hold whatever it is that i did wrong over my head years from now.

So it's time.

It's safe to say that I can let you go now. You will always have a place in my heart but I'm ready to say goodbye. I needed a hard shove. Thank you for giving it to me. You will always be the Meredith Grey to my Cristina Yang. You will always be my person.