Slow dancing in a burning room: A Prologue

This is the story of two people who met not so long ago. A time when things were easy and simple. A time when distance meant nothing but a few minutes away. This is a story about two different people from two not-so-different worlds and eventually became the best of friends until…

“Oh bollocks! Why do you have to be so insensitive!” , Sarah said.

We were having one of those arguments again. But this time, I knew, was different. This is it then, I thought. This is the part where it all crumbles down?

When I first met Sarah Dela Paz – to me she’ll always be Sarah Dela Paz – I could never have predicted that my life would turn out the way it has or believed that I’d be doing the things that I do now. But I did meet her. That is what makes my life a bit peculiar in a way. I loved her when we were together and more so (I hope) through the times we were apart.

You see, our story, just like all the others, have three parts: a beginning, middle and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfurl, I still can’t believe ours didn’t go on to forever.

I reflect on these things and our memories together come back to me. I find myself remembering how and where we began…because for now, these are all I have left.

Sarah and I met each other seven years ago. We went to the same school but she was a year ahead of me. We didn’t hit it off right away. I wished we did. But Sarah, she’s very easy to like and it wasn't long before I grew protective of her.

I knew of her. I saw her around school looking all high and mighty; looking like she can’t be reached because she was part of an exclusive organization where many apply but only few are chosen.  I actually thought that Sarah looked a bit bitchy back then. And she can be bitchy. But all those times that I saw her around campus, it never occurred to me--not even in my wildest dreams-- that we would be friends.

Nevertheless, I guess it was fated that we be part of each other's lives...or maybe it was by choice.     I couldn't really tell now. But looking back--I seem to be doing this more often now than before-- I can only be grateful even after all the things that have been said and done.

an arRAE of thoughts: For What It's Worth

an arRAE of thoughts: For What It's Worth: Rae Jimenez DEDICATION To everyone who became a part of YCIB. YOU are part of the reason why I am where I am now. PROLOGUE “...

SHE SAID

Note: I wrote this almost four years ago. If I remember it correctly, this was written when i first said that i wanted to write a book. This was also written during a time when my best friend was throwing life lesson after lesson at me (mostly after an argument), so i decided to write them down. Something like Morrie Schwartz's "Letting Go".  I never got the chance to edit this again until now (April 22, 2012). So, without further ado...

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Staring blankly across the wall, I start to wonder why certain things had to happen in the past. Yes, I know it is all for a cause, but what cause would that be? We all needed to learn a lesson, maybe? Well, I have learned many lately.

WORDS OF WISDOM. I couldn’t have voiced things out as well as a good friend did. Actually many of I know now, I learned from her.

“STOP SAYING HOW GOOD I AM.SABIHIN MO NAMAN KUNG GAANO KA KABUTI SA KANILA.”

     Never be too busy noticing how good other people are that you totally forget the you are a good person too. You see, everybody needs a little praise once in awhile. Maybe that’s why I always praise others whenever I feel it is appropriate. We forget to do that sometimes – say a kind word – to and for others. However, she made me remember… by saying that I, too, have a good heart. And it felt good to me. So I bet, others will definitely feel the same.

“THERE’S A TIME FOR EVERYTHING.”

      Sometimes, we just have to learn how to STOP and WAIT. There are certain things that just will not happen, we cannot force to happen, and even if they do happen, they just will not work the way we want them to. Why? Because it is not yet the right time. Therefore, we learn how to wait, even if it is hard because it is when you endure that you become stronger.

“SOMETIMES OUR WORDS ARE CONTRARY TO OUR ACTIONS.”

     Mean what you say, and say what you mean. There are instances when we say certain things that are half-meant or maybe not meant at all. We say we are ok even if we are not. In this case, I say it is better to speak up and tell how we truly feel. One cannot live with a lie without a feeling of loneliness. Nevertheless, in some cases, it is better to just shut up…just like when you are about to lose your patience or your temper. When we are mad, there is a tendency that we are carried away with our emotions. Like what she said, ”Di na kailangang magbitiw ng masasakit na salita kung magkaka-ayos rin lang sa huli.” In this view, we differ. Para sa akin kasi, if there is a problem kailangan pag-usapan. And I told her that but as she said “HINDI NA AKO NAGSALITA THAT TIME KASI AYAW KONG MAGBITIW NG MGA BAGAY NA DI NAMAN DAPAT SABIHIN.” At the end, I ended up conceding to her point. Oo nga naman, hurtful things need not be said. Para kasing you are adding insult to injury.

REGRETS COME AFTER THE FACT

    We usually learn a lesson when we have already made a mistake o kapag the damage has already been done. Then, we start regretting. We fall like tons of bricks from the realization. It is crazy, but it is true. Sometimes we are too blinded by fabricated facts that we fail to see what really is happening. A mistake we often commit because we love too much, because we trust the wrong people too much. Yet, we do not know what’s fake and what is real until we get a painful bite from reality.

ANY VIRTUE COMES WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.

    True. Right now, I am learning how to be patient and tactful at the same time. I am learning how to control my temper and impulsiveness. It is hard for it is human tendencies that I am trying to control. Totoo naman talaga. Minsan, magigising ka na lang isang araw na alam mo na yung isang bagay na dati hindi mo alam.

ANO KA? DOORMAT?

    Ok lang naman maging martyr pero sana naman, bigyan natin ng limit. Sometimes martyrdom becomes synonymous to stupidity kapag walang limitasyon. Nobody has the right to step on someone else’s shoes. More so, nobody deserves to be treated like a doormat.

WAG PUMATOL SA MGA DI DAPAT PATULAN.

     Hindi sa lahat ng oras kailangan mong lumaban. Eye for an eye; tooth for a tooth. There are some wars na you just have to shrug off for some reasons:

1.      not worth your time

2.      not worth your intelligence

3.      waste of energy

4.      di mo sila ka-level

…so wag ng patulan.

DO NOT OFFER A SHIRT IF YOU ARE NOT WEARING ONE.

     Do not say something you do not really mean. Do not offer something na hindi mo naman kayang ibigay o wala kang intention na ibigay, lalo na kung wala ka namang ganun. Imposible yung magmamahal ka ng iba pero ikaw di mo kayang mahalin sarili mo. Paano kaya yun?!

For What It's Worth

Rae Jimenez

DEDICATION

To everyone who became a part of YCIB. YOU are part of the reason why I am where I am now.

PROLOGUE

“Someone has to write all those stories. Why not me?”

-   Elizabeth Gilbert

February 8, 2012

    There are moments in life when one feels the urge to just stop for a while and ask: “What happened?”

     This moment, for me, is one of those. I don’t know about you, but as I lie in bed tonight, I find myself thinking about the people I have lost these past years. It had me asking what happened. What the hell happened?! What did I do to lose all of those people?!

     Was it due to a series of mistakes that led to one unfortunate event onto another? Was it simply because of irreconcilable differences? Was it a misinterpretation of words and actions? Reading too little or too much between the lines? No matter how I look at things, I couldn’t give specific answers to those questions.

     I don’t have the sharpest of memories. Most of them are quite indistinct now. I don’t remember much of the details. What I remember though, before it all came crashing down, was that I belonged. It may have been chaotic most of the time, but we were happy. I was happy.

     And because of that, I believe it is imperative that I tell you when –I think- it all began.

CHAPTER 1: FANTASTIC FOUR

     My name is Rae. I was a junior in high school then. Since school was taking most of my time for as long as I can remember, I kind of lost touch with my childhood friends. I guess that’s what really happens as you “age”. Your priorities change. If before, your main goal in life is to make friends and play all day, now it’s getting through school…with high grades if you can.

     I have three guy friends that I used to hang out with when we were younger. One of them is named Steven. He’s actually my cousin (one of favorites—don’t tell anyone!). I remember playing “karate” with him all the time when we were kids. He’s younger than me. By three years, I think, but he’s a tall kid and he hits hard.

     The second boy is named Mark but we call him Mac-Mac or just Mac. I remember riding bikes with him and his siblings. We’re of the same age but he’s a September and I’m a November so technically, he’s older (bleh!). His father used to be good friends with mine.

     And the last one is Patrick, who’s also two or three years younger than me. I remember coming over to their house everyday to play with him and his sisters…and watch Super Sonic.

     I honestly don’t know how I managed to fit all of them in my schedule. But as I’ve said, through the years, priorities change. People change…and so did I. I lost connection with the three of them.

     Years passed. I don’t know who approached who first. By the time I was a junior in high school, I was hanging out with the three boys again. And they became good friends with each other too. So from me, all alone, came the three guys who up to now, I still love as brothers.

…and then there were four.

CHAPTER 2: THEN THERE WERE FIVE

     Not long after I was reunited with the boys, Gen came along. Now, Gen and me, we had history. I remember disliking her posse when we were younger. I don’t remember any catfights with her or with any of her friends then. Nevertheless, things had been said, particularly at the courtside whilst their basketball team was playing against ours. We were just being kids…with big mouths and quick tempers (I dare you to put a smiley here).

     So, you can just imagine my disbelief when Steven told me that he followed Gen up to her house just to ask for her number! Alarm bells started ringing in my head.

    

     Thankfully, -and I say this with utmost sincerity- through the efforts of the boys, Gen became a part of the group. I thought it would be awkward having her around and it was at first. Eventually, I got over the awkwardness. Besides, it was nice to have another girl in the group aside from me.

     Those were fun times…good times. We would hangout almost every day. We even created a name for our group - drum roll please! - BANGAGZ! I don’t remember why we chose that name though. Although, I remember that we would set our phones’ clocks at the same time. We’d have the same ringtones and welcome notes. We were in sync…most of the time.

    

Nothing in this world is perfect, as we all know but like I said, those were crazy times…fun times. We were tight. And from four, came Gen…then we were five.

CHAPTER 3: AGREED

“Large organization is loose. Nay, it would be almost as true to say that organization is always disorganization.”

 — Gilbert K. Chesterton

     Months passed. I graduated from high school, and it was the summer of 2007. Fiesta time!

     I remember complaining to my friends and my mother about how the fiesta committee was always staging the same thing year after year after year after…(repeat until fade). My friends agreed.

     So being the young blood “genius” with a big mouth that I am, I suggested: they should stage something fresh and exciting like, say oh, a dance contest. They, again, agreed.

     My mother, at that point, said “I-suggest niyo sa kanila ah,” or something closely similar to that. We let the idea set in for a while… Okay. Fine…maybe just a few minutes. After thinking about it, we agreed.

     So we (Gen and I) talked to the head of the Elders-as we so fondly call them- and explained our ideas to her. Fortunately, she liked it and said that we should attend their next meeting so that we could explain to the rest of the committee our suggestion. So we did. And they agreed with the idea. But wait! There’s a hitch. Since staging a dance contest was our brilliant idea, we had to organize the event…and so, we agreed.

     Oh! If we only knew what we were getting into.

First things first though. We couldn’t do it with just the five of us…make that four…or three. We needed help. So we went from house to house and invited teens to come and join us for a meeting of some sort. Surprisingly, almost everyone we invited came. I tell you, by the end of that meeting I was drained! I had a spat with Gen’s ex posse. Only a few of those who attended were truly interested. Even so, the number of people who stayed were enough to form an organization.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was how the Youth Council of Inkioli Bilay came to be. We were a hit that year! The venue was unbelievably crowded. The participants were all good and very entertaining. And for the next three years, we held the same event in the same location successfully.

CHAPTER 4: GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY

     Hold your horses though. Those four successful years didn’t come without a price. We had to work hard for each of those years. Working hard comes with fatigue and with fatigue comes stress. Mix it all together and you have flaring tempers from here on yonder.

     DISCLAIMER!!!

Before I go any further, let me just make it clear that when we formed the organization, I had no intentions at all of making new friends. Somehow (silly me), my brain wasn’t able to deduce that by meeting all these new people, I was bound to make new friends one way or another. I know it seems rude, but that is how it was. I was already contented with what I had with the Bangagz so why ask for more?

As you all may have figured out already, the original Bangagz and those who remained with the organization eventually became good friends with each other. It was inevitable, I guess. It was impossible to not be friends with people you’ve worked so closely with.

But like I said, tempers flared. At the beginning, we all had our shouting matches with one another. People would take sides knowingly or unknowingly. Thankfully, there was always at least one person who was level headed enough to be the mediator/peace maker. I’m very sorry to disappoint, but it wasn’t always me. It was even rarely me, I think.

Let me take this moment to admit that I have quite a temper. Sometimes it gets so bad that I think Italian blood maybe running through my veins…which is highly improbable.

However, as I have said, people change. The people we started YCIB with were reduced to a fewer number. There were others who came and went. So basically, there was me, Steven, Mac, Pat, Gen, Joy, Judith, Tina, Egi, Sylvie, Athena, Anjo, Iňez and Mariz.

Over the years, we met more people and most of them became friends as well. There’s April, Benjar, Ryan, Roniel, Kuya Mike, Nikko, Eloy, Jubi, Jomartin, Matthy. There were more, but I couldn’t remember them all and for that, I am sorry.

If I will take the time to give a description of those people I have mentioned, it would take me years to finish. For that, my sincerest apologies.

All I could say though is that we met them in different times. Some became more significant than the others. Some of them I still see and/or talk to. And yes, some of them became boyfriends/girlfriends with some of us at one point in time…but that’s another story.

CHAPTER 5: GOSSIP GIRL + PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken but your life was changing.” —Elizabeth Gilbert

     It is not uncommon for a group as big as ours to have problems. But I would not speak of all of those issues in detail here. Partly, because I don’t remember most of them. Partly, because I wasn’t exactly involved in some of them. But mostly, it’s because I can’t promise that I would be able to share them detailed and unbiased.

     In light of that, all I can say is that all of those problems, unresolved or not, piled up and led to our demise.

     I couldn’t talk about it honestly then. I kept saying I was the victim and I was right and they were wrong. Now I realize that “it ain’t that black and white” after all. I wasn’t the only victim. I wasn’t the only one who got hurt. Now I know we were all victims- victims of our emotions, our speculations, and of the circumstances we were pushed into. We were all wrong and I strongly believe that the biggest mistake we made was when we started fighting the wrong people…each other.

     I believe the “end” evidently started summer of 2010. By this time, Anjo, Patrick, Mark, Steven and the Aquino sisters were living their own lives in a way.

     Most of us were receiving anonymous text messages. Those text messages contained secrets and pieces of information we’d never tell anyone outside the group. By “most of us” I mean except me (though I did receive a text once).

     Do you watch Gossip Girl and/or Pretty Little Liars? If you’re familiar with those TV series, then I have no more to explain. It was like “A” and “Gossip Girl” teamed up to make our lives a living hell. For the benefit of the others though…

     That person, whoever he or she was, knew our secrets. S/he knew our fears. S/he knew what buttons to push to ignite a fire; to start a feud amongst us…and s/he succeeded.

     Trusts were broken. Speculations were made. Conclusions were drawn. And I was at the receiving end.

     I will not go into detail of how it happened and how it ended. I can only say though that it ended badly.

EPILOGUE

     It’s February 9,2012 and it’s been almost two years since then. The girls made an effort to patch things up with me a year ago. I wasn’t ready. I was still confused and hurting. Mostly, I was just still disappointed. During that time I was still thinking that the people who I thought I knew me so well, didn’t know me so well after all. In simpler words, I was still bitter about how things turned out.

     Before you get off your high horses though, let me clarify that this wasn’t written to rehash the past. This is not meant to open old wounds. That part of my life is already too scandalous and too painful as it is. Besides, like I said, I would like to think that we are all in much better (forgive the redundancy) places now.

     I chose to tell the story –or at least my side of it- now because I think it is imperative. Someone has to. I have to, if only just to make sense of it all…

It’s been almost two years.

Patrick, Inez, Mariz, Anjo, April and Matthy are all in college. Steven’s working at a studio, but he did promise me one time that he’d go back to school and finish college. Mac took ALS but I don’t know if he finished it.

The other girls? They have their own jobs. I can be civil with them now. Friendly with some. It’s still awkward but I’d like to believe that after everything that has happened, we all ended up becoming better people, in one way or another.

Now, I’d love to say that I found out who that “A”/”Gossip Girl” is. Unfortunately, I never did. And I’m guessing, neither did they.

What’s the moral of the story then, you ask me?

·        There are certain things in life that are out of your control. Whatever is bound to happen will happen. So don’t fight it. There’s not much you can do. Cliché as it is, everything happens for a reason.

·        Just when you think you’re better than everyone else, think again. Confidence is good…just don’t go overboard.

·        Easy with the temper! Not doing so is dangerous for your health or for anyone else’s.

·        Quoting Elizabeth Gilbert,”Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.” So, be a friend to you first.

·        Whatever happens, whatever life throws at you, believe that humans are essentially good.

·        Lastly, forgive and accept. There is no such thing as forgive and forget. Life’s too short. ☺

xoxo-Rae

Kindly Unspoken

Note: I wrote this bit a little over two months ago. I think many would be able to relate to this. Di lang mga new RNs.
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     Today I set forth to my journey to be a volunteer nurse…or so I thought.

     First stop was this hospital affiliated to one of the universities in this province. I was dressed to kill/impress—whichever you prefer. I had my game-face on and I brought all my guns blazing.

     So I got there and talked to the person I was supposed to talk to. In all fairness to her, she was nice enough to accommodate me even though she wasn’t on duty. She was actually preparing to leave when I got there. She asked to see my credentials and she even asked me a few questions including: “What university did you graduate from?” I was able to answer her questions despite the headache I’ve been enduring since I woke up. Then, she told me that I should talk to the human resources officer of the university that they were affiliated to. My heart sank a bit when I heard that. However, the trooper that I am, I was still like, “Ok. I can do that. Thank you ma’am.” Until now, I’m still unsure if she heard a tinge of disappointment in my voice.

     Ok. So, trooping on, I left and went straight to the aforementioned university to talk to the HR officer. She was on the phone when I got there so i was instead accommodated by one of her minions.

     The first question I was asked, mind you, was: “Saang university ka graduate?” Now, I was expecting many questions. Not that I wasn’t expecting THAT question, but certainly, I wasn’t expecting it to be the first. I had to answer so I said, “I’m from University X.” Then, ‘lo and behold, she followed up with a remark that blew my smart and witty mind. She said, “Wala bang base hospital ang university niyo?” I was dumbfounded. My jaw dropped for a split second or two, unable to answer right away. I know that she knew the answer to that question. Syempre meron. When I finally got my senses together, I told her that I haven’t been there to apply…with a smile of course, sheepish it may be. With that, she stood up and went to the office of the HR head. Moments later,(I was still reeling from our earlier banter) the minion approached me and said, “Bumalik ka na lang next month. Marami pa kasing applicants. Wala pang available na slot.” My heart sank further and I’m very sure that the disappointment was visible on my face. “Pwede po bang mag-submit na lang ako ng credentials today—“ I was saying. But she cut me off and said with an almost insulting smile on her face, “Ay hindi. Dalhin mo na lang yan next month pagbalik mo.” So I stood up. I thanked her. And I left.

     I honestly thought that affiliated hospitals and universities were above “prejudice”. I thought that competition was only among the students. Ha! I was only kidding myself. This is not an isolated case.

     Seriously people! “What school did you graduate from” shouldn’t be the first question that you ask an applicant. It shouldn’t be the sole basis of rejection. In fact, it should never be a basis at all! It’s discriminating! Yes, I understand about the school pride. Yes, I understand that the application process is functioning on a “first-come-first-serve” basis. I get that. When hiring, an employer should start hires someone, the first question shouldn't be about the school from which the applicant came from. his/her preference should be based on skills and other credentials needed for the job; not because he/she’s from the university or company that you are affiliated to or because s/he knows and was referred by someone  of higher rank.

     What happened earlier, no matter how kindly unspoken and discreet, was (in my opinion) a bit prejudice. I don’t mean to offend. I only mean to rant.

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An Idiot's Guide to Life ( or Shorthand to A Peaceful Stay on Earth)

Rule #1: People who gossip WITH you will gossip ABOUT you. This bit is true. Ninety-nine percent of the time.

Rule #2: There are different types of people on this earth, two of which are: the people who drink too much and those who never drink at all. Don't trust both. The first one's a coward and the second one is probably a recovering alcoholic or is too stuck up, thinking he's better than everyone else.

Rule #3: People who don't walk the talk are the people who lack integrity. Don't expect too much from them.

Rule #4: High expectations are just that...HIGH. Expect disappointment to follow suit...almost always.

Rule #5: Learning to forgive is worth all the trouble. Trust me.

Rule #6: What you see and hear, leave it here. Mind your own friggin' business!

Rule #7: If you want to mess with other people's lives, then by all means, go ahead. expect the consequences though. No bad deed goes unpaid.

Rule #8: Not everything is always as it seems. Look and listen. Carefully.

Rule #9: Contentment with what you already have and who you already are is good. However, not striving to  be better is stupid. always remember that you are destined for greatness. Everybody is. some just fail to realize it.

Rule #10: You will make mistakes. And that's okay. It's better to make 'em all and learn than to play it safe and learn nothing.

Rule #11: THere will be times in your life when no one will come to your rescue; no one you can turn to. So go save yourself. Remember that you should be a friend and a hero to yourself first before you can be a friend and/or a hero to the rest of mankind.

Rule #12: You WILL fail. Many times. But never let it get to your head. It's just life swinging at you. So you have to have a thick face. Get over it and try again.

Rule#13: It get's better. Life gets better. I promise.