LAST

“Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.” 
― Sarah Dessen, What Happened to Goodbye


People have been asking why I was leaving. Bakit daw hindi ko na tapusin yung 2-years experience. Sayang daw kasi, malapit naman na. I'd always answer with "Financial reasons po." It seemed an understandable and irrevocable reason as to why I couldn't stay. Then they'd ask, "Saan ka pupunta niyan?" I'd often answer with a laugh or a modest smile or a vague answer. The answers that I gave were never lies. At least not entirely. But I am also leaving for other reasons...and yes, I am leaving for love, loyalty and the promises that I have made.

Coming to this decision wasn't easy. I had many things to consider. Primarily, what kept holding me back was the sense of pride and responsibility that I had for my profession...Yung license na mahigit apat na taon kong pinaglaanan ng luha, dugo at pawis...na pinagpaguran din ng nanay ko. That's another reason, you know. My mother, what would she say? Then there was the question of if I could actually go through with it. I've never been on my own. Kaya ko kaya?

So many questions. So many doubts.

Eventually, I had to decide. I handed in my resignation with, still, a little room for doubt in my heart.. But I said to myself, "It's now or never...better NOW than never." So here I am now. As I am writing this, I grow more certain that I can not stay. Like I said, I am doing this for love, loyalty and oaths.

Love...not only for a separate person but love for myself, first and foremost. I owe it to myself to take a leap of faith...to go about life like I feel I should. I owe it to myself to finally let myself fly free. Loyalty and oaths to people whom I  have sworn that I'd watch over and never leave behind.

I jokingly told a friend once, "Alis na 'ko. This place will be the death of me if I stay." But you know what they say about jokes...most of them are half meant.  However before I officially bid my farewell to this place, let me say thank you (tumutunog acceptance speech na naman ito). I have met great people here, some of which became good friends...and fewer, still, who I am certain that are for keeps. They are partly the reasons why it was so hard to leave. But, alas, i can not please everyone, thus where there are friends, there are people that I have not won over. Too bad, we never gave each other the chance to get to know each other better. Perhaps in another era? Or if not in this lifetime then maybe the next.

The past year and a half has been fun and heartbreaking. And as grateful as I am for every minute of it...
“I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.” 
― Beryl Markham, West with the Night


xoxo

Rae/Eya/Rhea signing out.

P.S.

See you around. :D