I can still remember the last
fight we had though I don’t remember it per se. It was something about two text
messages that I sent. I made it look like it was sent to not only her…but I
guess she knew me better than that. So I’ll just admit, here and now, that I
did send those messages to her and her alone. The first one, I believe was
about making a choice between who to keep and what to let go off. The second
one, I don’t even remember now. Subconsciously, I guess, I was trying to pick a
fight. I think about the last few years and I guess I was always like that
–picking a fight, I mean—with her. I’m weird that way you know. Maybe it’s
because I wanted to prove my theory: everybody leaves…sooner or later. Or
maybe, just maybe, I’m really that stupid.
But that day, though everything
went down through text messaging, I could tell that she was all riled up for a
fight too. Her comebacks were a little too quick, a sentence too long, and a
little bit sharp that it all seemed premeditated.
I guess I have had it coming.
What, with me finding out something about her that she intentionally kept from
me and practically almost everyone she knows. Hell, she even kept it from her
closest and dearest friends.
“Frankly, I don’t like what you
did…snooping around like that,” I remember her saying. “With regards to your
intentions? I really don’t know if I believe that they were good.”
That and all the times I’ve let
her down over the years. So I guess one could say that she had the right to
lash out on me like that. And she did. But by the time she started her tirade,
I was already done being mad. I didn’t want to fight anymore and she just kept
going. Like I said, she was furious. I am guessing that is partly the reason why she said I was
being insensitive—I was ignoring her rants you know.
She went, “Blah! Blah! Blah!”
And I kept saying, “okay” or “Are
you done?”
But let me just ask you
something—what about all the times that she was being insensitive? What about
her constant inconsistency…or constant absenteeism? Whichever you prefer to
call it. What about the times that she
made me feel that she was just sticking it out with me because of “utang na
loob”? Goodness! Never mind those. Her constant inconsistency alone was enough
to drive me away. That and the fact that she changed drastically over time.
She may not have noticed –or maybe
she did—that she changed, but it was obvious to us all. She changed in the way
she approached to things, with the way she perceived things and sometimes, in
the subtlest of ways, she changed with the way she treated me. It wasn’t all
bad, which is why I shrugged it off, thinking that I was just probably jealous.
After all, she did confide everything to me. We did talk about everything,
almost every day, almost every time. I was her best friend wasn’t I? But the
talks grew less often. From “whenever we’re available”, the meets ups diminished
to once in a blue moon. The lazy excuses came and went more often than I liked.
It made me feel like you didn’t need me anymore. The silence-filled pauses grew
longer. Sometimes we wouldn’t speak for weeks or months. At first, (here come the excuses) she attributed
it to “lack of time” which I understand completely. Then she started saying that
she was lazy. Too lazy to call. Too lazy to text. Just too damn lazy. Needless
to say, (but I’ll just say it anyway)
I was offended. We might view friendship/relationships differently but using
laziness as an excuse to communicate is pathetic and weak and just about as low
as anyone could get. I mean, come on! Who does that and still have the nerve to
call someone insensitive? Isn’t that a bit of a double-standard?
Then she started keeping things…things
that she should’ve told me; things that I had the right to know, after all that
we’ve been through. I would have let that passed, everyone has secrets after
all. But to tell me that you never wanted me to find out? Questioning my
integrity, my intentions? She was out of reach for months! I did not hear a
word for months. Ni utot, ni anino, wala! We’ve known each other for seven
years for crying out load.
………………………………………………….o………………………………………………………
That last fight we had? After all
these years, it’s what scared me the most. Because during that moment, I was
certain that it would be the last conversation I’ll ever have with her. It
scared me, because for the first time, I wasn’t scared of losing her. And in
that moment, I have finally admitted to myself that you were just SOMEBODY THAT
I USED TO KNOW.
